Friday, 5 April 2013

Orla Kiely Spring/Summer 13

Orla Kiely Spring/Summer 13

I want to marry this Orla Kiely collection. I want to put it on and do a little Buffalo Bill dance in my pants to the Mama's and the Papa's. Then I want to drive a rolls royce into a hollywood hills pool and then get buried in it.

It's sixties and seventies, it's cute and it's fecking expensive but who cares - look at it. It's worth it.


Tuesday, 23 October 2012


Tuesdays are rubbish, but they are better than Mondays. I have been like proper poorly and on and off work so I have been having imaginary dates with men of the sixties and seventies.

you would though wouldn't you, when does this ever not look good

They might have been hallucinations but I have been having inproper thoughts about Levon Helm (during the beard and the Band years), Lindsey Buckingham ('Fro years with Fleetwood Mac) and Robert Plant (during the sprayed on jeans, half naked sex rock years).

You tube has saved me from watching Eamon Holmes spout his sexist, ignorant shite on 'This Morning' whilst his poor Mrs tries to desperately laugh off the fact she is married to a truly awful man who I don't doubt for a second has a nano penis which probably dribbles as much nonsense as he does, literally. he literally dribbles everywhere.

I think the poison is leaving my body and  Eamon is going to get it. Not in the same way Levon, Lindsey and Percy would get it neither (disclaimer - whilst on this mortal plain & pre haircuts and definitely pre-80's)

The following must be cosumed with strepsils, sugary tea whilst lathering oneself in Vicks Vapour rub just dont get the rub in your creasy nether parts cause that cause cause uncomfortable stinging and enforced celebacy

Good music is just sexy isn't. I mean even Elton got bonked cause of it.

Cock pants, cock pants.

Friday, 5 October 2012

Happy Fricking 50th Beatles Anniversary

It's been 50 years since 'Love me do'was released and if BBC breakfast are right 'Dr No' came out on the same day which does nothing other than prove that Blur were right, modern life is rubbish.

I love the Beatles bad, I would have liked to lick all of their faces and run after them in my underwear like a rabid animal. Specially George when he grew the beard out and John in the fifties when he was a dirty bird-chaser.

I get proper girl chufties now when I watch archived footage. The kind of 'gids' you get when you're 14 and love someone so much you cry cause it hurts, even though you haven't ever met them but you still write love letters to them in the back of your maths book and then end up getting lunchtime detention from Mrs Swindlehurst cause of it.

Weird love it is, yes indeed.

Anyway to celebrate this momentous anniversary I have made a small selection of my favourite Beatles songs.

bon anniversaire x 

Tuesday, 11 September 2012

Zara Crush

I never used to bother with Zara, I used to be a bit of a chunk and their clothes never seemed to fit me because they ain't so curvy friendly.

This is a bit of a lust list rather than a shopping list.

49.99 GBP

Erm, sorry about the dodgy photoshop job, I am kind of teaching myself and haven't quite mastered the finer details of it yet.

This A-line Jacquard dress is so mod it makes me want to get on a scooter and run over some rockers.

45.99 GBP

Love the print on this tunic dress, it's a bit 'Apprentice' contestant but it looks like it could hide a multitude of pastry sins.

Yeehaaa, this is just the most rooting tooting horsie shirt ever. I need it bad. It makes me feel all lusty.

59.99 GBP
That shirt and these boots. Aha.

49.99/79.99 GBP

Beautiful suede and leather bags. The leather tote sold out of store last year and Zara have restocked with a black, tan and Burgundy version. They have also released a leather black studded version for a whopping £129.99 but if you are visiting anywhere in Europe this summer it might be worth checking it out there as when I checked in Paris the studded version was listed as 109 Euros, though the plain tote was much more expensive than in the UK.
Au revoir x

Friday, 31 August 2012

Smashing up BBC Manchester

Look what they have done to the old BBC building in Manchester - they're smashing it up! I find it a bit eerie that you can see into its bowels. Those rooms look haunted. Weird.

It's nice to have sky in Manc now though. Though its not nice if you walk past and get a gob fool of soot and probably asbestos and a face full of some kind of wet spray. I did warn you.

I miss Tony Wilson's face on the side of the window. WTF are they going to put there instead?
I just hope it's not another bloody Tesco or Saino's or pigging Starbucks.

A massive Topshop - I would like that because I am shallow.

Soz to those who have already seen this photo on my fb and twitter - I just find empty big buildings fascinating. x

Thursday, 30 August 2012

Bank holiday in Mancunia

This is an Almost Famous Burger, I had been dreaming about putting one of these in my mouth for sometime.

I have to say, it didn't disappoint. It was a proper sloppy American kind of double burger thing with sun dried tomatoes and sauteed onions. I have just left a little dribble puddle on my desk whilst writing this, thinking about the fun time I had with it.

I was really, really good and even better with a can of 'Cidre' whilst sat on a wooden bench in the sun.

I feel no guilt about eating this, I spent the morning sweating like OJ in the shower at a body combat class so eating burgers and drinking pints of cider and black would have had no weight gain effect on my muscular frame. lie, lies all fucking lies

From what I hear Almost Famous burger is getting a bit cult in the NQ, I haven't been into their dojo yet but I believe have to do some kind of secret handshake to get in and find it with a treasure map. This might be another lie, I'm not sure any more.

I can tell you this much, I will be going back, even if I have to kick the door down to get in. They  ran out of meat so had to close on the Monday because they were so busy at the street party.

There were many other things going on too, Spinfest had a stage up outside the Oasthouse and had bluesy bands on all day. I caught a bit of this and it was really lovely, bit to classy for my liking - I wanted to rub a burger all over myself and drink t'ings from a can so the NQ Takeover was much more my scene.

The NQ Takeover was aces, this year they opened up way more streets compared to the street party they held for the Royal Wedding. So there were plenty of curbs to sit on and you didn't have to elbow so many students in the face to get to the bar.

It was just proper good, I had the best time. I like drinking from cans and sitting on street corners - it's nostalgic.

There were loads of stages, plenty of music and even the temp bogs weren't that bad. I like queuing for toilets, you make drunk friends and can discuss how polite we are in britain about queues and I especially like the little drunk 'i need a wee dance' that people do.

The busker stage 'Simple' put on was pretty cool, there was a fair number of full time drunks knocking about near there so it made good people watching.But my favourite stage was outside the new restaurant SoLita.

Thems was some good sounds. First we listened to a few lasses and a chap sing a capella and then we were treated to Ciaran Griffiths (Mickey Maguire from Shameless) play some funky shit.

It was funny cause I don't think he knew what he was doing and kept on knocking the music off by mistake. Every time he did it he has a little hurt/confused face on him that made me want to pinch his cheeks.

Do you remember that ginger kid from the film 'East is East'? He was there too, it was all I could do to stop my mate going up to him and saying "Salamu Alaykum Mr Khan" in a manc kids voice.

That's another lie, I didn't discourage it actually, quite the opposite. That would have been brilliant.

It was an all round lovely day with dancing in the street, American sweets and a stint in 'The Venue' for their nineties night. I don't think I will be going that again - we knew all the lyrics to the songs because, well because we were the oldest people in the building. I hated looking at confused youth's faces whilst singing to 'Cast - Guiding star'. It was a low moment not to be repeated. I am now very aware of my own mortality and ever growing frown lines.

I hope you had a top Bank holiday too. Work stinks - rock on Boxing Day!

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Guide to a cheapo Manchester bank holiday

I am skint, I have £21.82 to last me until I get paid in 8 days time. So to avoid having to go out hooking under the railway arches I have a devised a list of potentially cheap or free things to do in Manchester over the August Bank Holiday Weekend.

I thought I would share my nuggets of wisdom with you.

1. It's Pride Weekend people!

Manchester is celebrating everything that is gay, bi, lesbian and trans from the 17th-27th August.

Now lots of things pride cost money except.....the parade which is on Sat 25th Aug. You don't need wristbands to watch the parade though you will if you want to get into the big weekend site.

Pride is getting all sciencey this time round, I think on account  of a big Alan Turing anniversary. He was like a super genius computer inventing, code cracker that had a heinous time on account of his sexuality (I am putting this mildly but if you get chance and you feel the same as me then sign this petition)

Alan Turing has a special place in Manchester's heart as he taught here at the University.  You can take a seat next to him at his memorial in the Sackville Street Gardens in the Village.

2. Tatton Park

Times are hard and though Tatton park is free to walk around the parking isn't. The good news is it's only a fiver per car; so fill your car and split the cost. Pack some jam butties and sit by the lake. I did this last week when it was boiling and had a generally very lovely time, especially because I saw some deer and and had an ice cream with a flake and stood in lots of dried deer poo.

If you are really hard up try and find somewhere to park on the outskirts of Knutsford and walk in. I would avoid the Waitrose on the main street as you are likely to trip and fall over a birkin bag or be ejected for being too common.

Here's some instagram photos I took last week at Tatton. I like grass.

I have a penchant for retro 70's style footwear
3. Portable BBQ's

What is not to love about these, you can pick them up for a couple of quid or £3 for two at Morrison's. Grab a pack of sausages, a bottle of BBQ sauce (because you'll satisfy the needs of both ketchup fiends and brown sauce devotees) and a pack of buns.

You don't even need plates, just a pack of wet wipes. A feast for a tenner and you can take is anywhere.

Just don't burn the grass man, it's sacred and there really isn't much of it in Mancunia.

4. Castlefield

source - Ed O'Keefe

Now then, you don't have to go in the bars. There are plenty of spots round there you can sit about with a picnic or a beer wrapped in a brown paper bag.

Manchester has sadly lost Dpercussion but that doesn't mean we can't litter this pretty spot with our hot bodies once again.

Take your camera, it is scientifically impossible to take a bad photo round the locks or the ruins area. Dark sunglasses are a must as it's a phenomenal spot to perv people watch.

Runners - it is an excellent place to run about for scenery purposes, get on the canal and take a trip but maybe do it in the morning yeah otherwise folks will see you sweaty.

5. Rounders in the park

I found a link to a £3 rounders set at Tesco but it has sold out. This means its official, rounders is back. It's cheap, its funny and it constitutes exercise.

If I am honest, I have not played it since 1996 but I want to now I don't have to wear a pleated skirt and gym knickers that cut circulation off to my lower limbs.

6. Spinfest

Held in Spinningfields at the Avenue Courtyard, they have a number of blues acts playing on Sunday 26th. I plan on checking it out, there is no reason why you can't have just one beer on the weekend if you're skint - I have £21 remember people***actually I don't anymore on account of a liquid liner emergency.

7. Manchester Art Gallery

We have to have a rain contingency in here, this is Manchester after all.

It's free and open on bank holidays. The building alone is worth a visit, it really is lovely and they have a Antony Gormley statue hanging in the foyer that really spooks me out.

8. Go to the pictures

We are Mancunians, we have to deal with rain. Here's how, it's not that expensive to go the pictures if you smuggle your own vodka snacks in.

The Cornerhouse is always a good spot because people look arty and it feels like a bit of an event.

Personally I wouldn't mind seeing  'Take this Waltz'. Simply because I have a lady style crush on Michelle Williams.

Cinema listings:
  • Sat 25
    12:50pm 15:20pm 20:25pm
  • Sun 26
    12:50 17:50 20:20
  • Mon 27
    18:00 20:30

And, 'Moonrise Kingdom'. Visually, I don't think anyone does it better than Wes Anderson, even though I don't understand what's going on all of the time. Whatever, the man casts Bill Murray in nearly everything so he gets a big thumbs up from me.
  • Mon 27
    Aug 13:40pm

I hope you enjoyed my guide, if you have any suggestions yourself feel free to email me and I will add them or leave a nice comment.

Happy Bank Holiday xx